hi everybody! (also...sorry in advance for this brain dump)
it's been a month since lily passed away... i feel like so much has happened since then. so many exciting things! hana's birthday, our 6th anniversary, our new york trip! things have been #happening at work as well. overall i feel very grateful for everything i've been experiencing, even though it's been so hard to cope with her loss. i don't really know how to explain it. i've just been feeling all over the place. i do think i am at the point where i no longer dwell on the fact that we had to make the decision to put her down, or at least i'm at the point where i can catch myself when i start to doubt the choice that we made. now i am at the point where rationalizing the situation doesn't really give me anything and now i just have to live with the fact that she's physically not here anymore. in some weird way i'm grateful to be able to feel this much pain because that means there so much more love there and i know that it won't go away.
she's still been showing up for us in so many ways. some "signs" are more like things that just remind me of her but there are a lot of instances where i feel like she really wants us to know it's her. i also had a dream of her once when i was in new york. in the dream she looked so sick, sicker than she had ever been... from the look on her face i knew she was trying to tell me that we would've ended up in this situation if i had held on to her longer, that i did make the right choice. i just wish that she had shown me in a less gruesome way but... message received. i try not to ask her to show up in my dreams again because i don't think i deserve it yet, though i can't silence my heart. i know she will in due time. it took over a year for my other dog smoke to show up in my dreams. i can't wait til she does. that's all i can hold on to for now
since her passing i haven't been able to write a normal journal entry, i've been addressing everything to her. i also haven't been able to pick up where i left off with all my small goals like reading and exercise. i do plan on getting back on track this week! i had a rough week last week because i got sick, then got my period, and i was super sad about everything and not having lily, even though technically it should have been easier for me to be sick and sad and not have a dog to worry about...i'd rather be sick and sad and still worry about a dog. i think my screentime shot up to 8 hours a day in those 4 days, so i felt really gross. it's been hard to get into anything and if the wolves lose today i am going to pretend the nba doesn't exist (on the bright side, the wnba season is starting soon) so i am pretty excited.
next month is her birthday, and the week after that is mine. i'm not really sure how i am going to deal with that. i've been dreading it if i am going to be completely honest... which makes me sad. i don't want to be the kind of person who gets sad on their birthday, especially on my 30th!!! i was so excited to hit that milestone with her, so i think that it's going to make me really sad on my birthday. i guess i have a month to try and turn that around, but if i can't then i won't force it. all in all i think i'll be okay...
i don't really know where to go from here and i feel like that's okay? i am not abandoning my goals from the beginning of the year but i am like... just trying to get through everyday for now. if i don't slow down a little bit i'm afraid i'll miss a sign from her, or that my heart and mind won't be still enough to receive anything from her, if that makes sense.